After the Last Writes

 

The Dark Lord Morningstar turns to Lady Lilith; 
"So tell me, My Love...do you have anything in particular in mind as a tribute to our old friend, Zorp?"
"I was thinking a statue would be nice," says My Love thoughtfully, "Perhaps with him sitting at his computer?" 
Looking at the doubtful expressions around her, she continues, "Or maybe with him seated, playing his guitar? Well, whichever pose we decide upon, I think it should be life size. That way we could visit it and feel as if we were in his presence." 

Everyone leans back in their seats to ponder this. 

F*ck the Duck, waddles over to My Love and with a sparkling smile says, "I would gladly do my very best to help make this monument a reality, My Lady! Just say the word and I'll start drawing up the plans!" 

Eyes meet eyes across the crowded room and brows are furrowed with various thoughts. 

Morningstar knows that it would be good for F*ck to successfully complete a task and thinks that this would be a fine opportunity. 
The K's know that F*ck's enthusiasm is no match for his talents. 
My Love finds F*ck to be very endearing, but is unaware of his limitations. 
Anzara knows only too well what F*ck is capable of and groans quietly. 
"Well, Morningstar, what do you think?" asks My Love.

"What do I think?......well, what can I not think..." says the Dark Lord, forcing a smile, while feeling the brandy burn his throat and contemplating the prospect of the proposition. 
Standing before him, the eager little duck smiles in innocent anticipation, pride filling his chest, at being entrusted with such an honourable task. 

The K's unnoticed, meanwhile, look to each other in resigned resignation...and reach for four more tinnies. 

"I will go and sharpen my pencils, and put on my best working dungarees..." says F*ck, the excitement in his voice clear for all to hear. "I've never been asked to do anything like this before...but I promise you all, with my hand on my heart...that I will do my very bestest...just like I always do..." 
And with that, he disappears down the corridor, and waddles off to his workshop. 

Anzara looks to My Love, somewhat bemused... 
"But he doesn't have hands...he has wings...." 
"I'm sure that's just a figure of speech on his part..." 

The K's grimace grimly, and take a large swig of the old golden throat gargle. 

My Love, runs her hand through her tresses, and then turns to the K's, 
"Forgive me for asking what may at first seem like a stupid question..." 

"We forgive you Lady Lilith!" say the K's, in anticipated anticipation. 

"Hmmm, I think I'll let that pass for now, boys, " says My Love in mock admonishment, "But...how did F*ck come by his name? I mean, surely he wasn't christened that way...was he?" 

"Oh...I've got myself a pretty good idea how and why..." mutters Anzara.

"Well..." begin the K's..."His real name is Donald..." 
"And...?" 
"Copyright issues...Disney have some pretty powerful legal advisors..." 

"Oh...I see..." says My Love, wondering to herself just how exactly that answer applies to her question.
 

------------------------
My Love makes her way to F*ck's workroom. 
Seeing him sitting at his desk, staring happily into space, My Love taps gently on the door. 

"I hope I'm not disturbing you, F*ck?" 

"Oh no, My Lady, I'm just doing my preliminary thinking before drawing up the plans. I am always available whenever you need me! How may I help you?"
 
"Well, F*ck, I've been wondering how you came to be named 'F*ck'?" 

"Oh, that was a very exciting occasion! It's a nickname I earned a few years ago when I was given the great honour of designing a tower in Italy! It was a lovely tower, all crenellated and fancy and what not. When it was ready to be unveiled, all the officials of the city were there and there was a great fanfare! And the most exciting moment of all was when the covering was removed and everyone gazed upon it for the first time! The Mayor came running at me, waving his arms and shouting, "Fun ghoul! Fun ghoul!” he was that thrilled! I KNEW then that I had done very well!" 

"Fun ghoul?" 

"Yes, My Lady, 'Fun ghoul' translates from Pisan into 'F*ck'! And that's how I got my name!" 

"But, why did he call you 'F*ck'? 

"Well, it seems that they were expecting the tower to be like all the other boring towers in the world and that it would go straight up and down, but I had a brilliant idea and I constructed it at an angle to the ground!" F*ck jumps for joy at the memory, "They had never had THAT idea before! And nobody has even copied it in all the years since then!" 

My Love chuckles and says, "So YOU were responsible for putting the lean in the Leaning Tower of Pisa, F*ck? You certainly HAVE earned your name!" 

Pleased with her compliment, F*ck almost bursts with joy.
---------------------------------------------------

Later, My Love is reading in the Library when F*ck waddles in looking confused. 
"What's up, F*ck?" My Love asks gently. 

"My Lady, I have a problem, I need to draw up plans for this most honourable monument, but I don't know the most important thing. Just how life size WAS the Wizard Zorp?" 

"Well, F*ck, I'd say that he was 5'10 tall. That translates to 70 inches, I believe." 

"Seventy inches?" 

"I think so." 

"Ok, 70 inches...I must remember 70." 
F*ck flaps his wings 7 times. 

"Is that a mnemonic device, F*ck?" 

"A what? A knee manic advice, My Lady?" 

"No, F*ck, a remembering spell - one tries to remember something by relating it to another thing. But F*ck, if you want to remember 70, shouldn't you flap your wings 70 times rather than 7?" 

"Oh no, My Lady, if I flapped my wings 70 times, I might achieve lift-off again, and the last time that happened.....well, suffice it to say, it's just not a good idea. Flapping 7 times will be my pneumonic-be-nice!" 

"F*ck, tell me, are you dyslexic?" 

"Me? Lysdexic? Naw.....is that a drug? I don't take drugs, Lady! Never have, never will! My body is my temple!" 

"You are to be commended for that. You'll remember to do the entire statue to scale, won't you F*ck?" 

"To scale? Well, I don't know how much it weighs just yet, but I sure will when it's done - you can count on me!" 

"Actually, F*ck, making a statue to scale means that every part of it is in natural proportion to every other part. For instance, a hand should be in proportion to the face, a guitar should be the right size to be played." 

"That's very confusing, My Lady." 

"Never mind, F*ck, I'm confident that you will do a very fine job," smiles My Love. 

"Yes, my Lady! I am working very hard on this!" sparkles F*ck with sweetness and sincerity, as he waddles back to his workshop.

------------------------------
In the Playroom, the 4 K's are laughing uproariously at their favorite program, "Dark Shadows", when in waddles F*ck, his face reflecting great consternation. 

"Hello, fellows," he says sadly. 

"Hey F*ck," says Kinky, "This show is barmy! They should try living with the Dark Lord to see what it's REALLY like!" The K's break out in a freshet of guffaws. Then Kunky notices F*ck's unusually downcast expression. "Why so sad, little F*ck? Is something wrong?" 

"Oh dear, something is very wrong, indeed!" cries F*ck, "I'm afraid I've done something very wrong...again." 

The K's look at each other with the dread that comes from previous experience with F*ck's 'F*ck-Ups'. 
"What's happened, Little One? Is there anything we can do to help you?" asks Kenky kindly. 

"I remembered the seventy, " says F*ck, flapping his wings seven times, "But now I think it was seventy inches, not seventy feet!" 

"Erk!" exclaims Kinky, "This doesn't sound good at all!" 

"It's a tragedy of epic proportions," mewls F*ck, "EPIC!" He starts to sniffle. "I have let everyone down and I tried my bestest and the statue was so grand, so very grand and Lord Morningstar would have been so proud of me and Lady Lilith would have been so pleased, but I think... no - I KNOW that I buggered it..." sniffles the duck, "Now I wonder if anyone will EVER forgive meeee...." 

"Tell us exactly what happened, F*ck, we're here for you!" The 4 K's cluster around F*ck and group hug the little guy. 

"It would have been perfect, I sent it to be cast and then they told me that I'd have to send them five million pounds to pay for it...and I don't HAVE that much money...oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..." 

"FIVE MILLION POUNDS!!??" gasps Kinky, "Why would it cost five million pounds, F*ck, why?" 

"Because I made it 70 feet tall instead of 70 inches and since I didn't have enough money, I told them to just cast as much of it as they could and so......they DID! And it's a DISASTER!" wails F*ck. 

"Do you know for a fact that it's a disaster?" asks Kenky. 

"Yes, yes I do...because it was just delivered!" weeps the d*ck. 

"Well then, buck up and take us to it," says Kunky, "Let us determine just how bad this really is!" The other K's nod in agreement and F*ck leads them to the Loading Dock. 

Looking long and hard at the statue, the K's swallow deeply. When Kinky can speak again, he says, "But that's a lovely piece, F*ck, it's one of your better efforts....erm....where's the rest of it?" 

F*ck goes up to the statue, strokes it gently and says, "This is all of it...this is all I could afford."

“It’s just a foot,” says Kinky.

 

©Ellen Pepper 2025