Well, despite the onset of the 3rd world war, things have been pretty boring around here since Morningstar was banned so the K's and F*ck the D*ck have come to visit with me.
We were sitting around gnawing on some burnt meat and we decided to hold a seance to "raise the banned" - our dear friend, Morningstar.
Since that convo, F*ck has rigged up an astral image projector.
Knowing F*ck's predilection for interesting twists in his inventive process, we don't really know what to expect.
One thing, though, can we actually succeed in raising the banned spirit of..."The Morningstar"!?
*shivering with anticipation and a slight amount of dread as a minor chord is played*
So, here we are sitting before the image projector that F*ck has setup, with our bowls of popcorn at the ready, the K's swigging away on their tinnies of lager and F*ck frowning at his control panel.
Suddenly, F*ck leans back and says, "Are you ready? I believe we have achieved transmission!"
There's a sudden whoosh as a blue miasma appears on the screen, then everyone gasps as.......
...Somewhere on a beach in the Maldives;
"Hey, you know dude, this is the life, sun, sea, and all the coconut, rum and fruit punch shakes you can shake a coconut at.
I've just never had it so good, y'know this being banned is just so f*cking liberating."
Sitting next to the exiled Dark Lord is a furry little kitten, lying on a sun lounger, wearing designer shades, and sucking up a triple brandy with lemon and crushed ice, thru a long blue bendy straw. He is a Himalayan Rex, named somewhat appropriately; Mr Cuddles.
"I'd better go easy on the drinkies today...my owner says I have an appointment at the veterinary surgeon's tomorrow! "
"Really?...anything serious?"
The little kitten puts his drink down for a moment, and his little head hangs to the left while he thinks, "No, I don't think so."
"Oh that's good, had me worried there for a moment."
The little kitten thinks some more.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"Whereabouts on your anatomy are your bricks?"
The little kitten's companion, almost chokes on his drink; "Er...why do you ask?"
"Well" , says the little kitten smiling sweetly, "My owner keeps telling me I'm going to be bricked!"
He pauses a second, "Will it hurt?"
"Only if he happens to catch his fingers between them."
The 4 K's and I erupt with pleased and excited cheers and chatter and congratulate F*ck, who seems to have actually produced the desired effect.
"Morningstar looks very calm, relaxed and rested," say I with glee.
"It's too bad Mr Cuddles won't look so happy tomorrow when he wakes up to find his manly goods missing," frowns Kinky.
"Why, what do you mean, Kinky?"
"Don't you Canadians know what "bricking" means?"
"Nope."
The K's cringe as one with the horror of what Mr C. is about to endure.
Kinky continues, "It means he loses the two things that many males feel make them manly....his bollocks!"
A tear begins to slowly roll down everyone's face.
Only one tear, though, because they aren't an overly emotional bunch until the alcohol takes effect.
I ask, "Do you think that Morningstar will save him from this fate? A fate worse than death for a kitten who hasn't 'Tripped the Light Fantastic' yet?"
The K's go into a huddle to discuss it, then Kinky says, "It depends on his mood. He is notoriously moody, you know."
Everyone nods in agreement.
Back on the beach...
A woman walks by the ever errant Dark Lord and his companion, she casts them a withering look.
Mr Cuddles shrugs; "What's eating her? Man, I'm glad I left my saucer of milk back in my room, otherwise she d have just curdled it...you know her or something?"
"Well no...not personally", grins his companion. "But I think basically her problem is two fold."
Mr C slurps on his drink, and listens intently to the Dark One s wisdom;
"For one...no-one is pleasing her...if you know what I mean."
Mr Cuddles thinks for a minute and then, looks blankly; "Well...actually no, I don t know what you mean...remember here that I m a kitty, not a human, so...remarks like that are completely over my head!"
"Good point!"
"F*cking right!"
"Okay then .and secondly, her name's 'Essence'!"
"Essence?...sounds like something I like to do when I mark out my territory."
The Dark Lord blinks hard, for a moment. "No, it's the internet, people have funny names!"
"Human thing?"
"Yep,"
"Okay!"
Mr Cuddles looks back to the Dark Lord; "So...why's she here with us?"
"Well...strangely enough, or maybe coincidentally...she lost her membership at Criminal Refuge same time as me...she just disappeared overnight."
Mr Cuddles thinks hard at the implication
"My owners used to have an annoying little puppy who would chase me round the garden all day long."
"Really?"
"Yes...strangely enough, he disappeared overnight too ."
Our collective eyes draw away from the screen and meet with dread.
"Say," says Kinky with concern and trepidation, "Did Mr Cuddles imply that perhaps he may have had something to do with that puppy's disappearance?"
"I've heard tell of a kitten with a "problem" who was to be vacationing in the Maldives at this time," groans Kenky.
"Oh dear, dear, dear," say I, swigging deftly from my tinny, "Luckily, Morningstar will merely find it amusing to be accompanied by a sociopathic cat. He can handle it, I'm sure."
"The sooner that cat gets bricked, the better for the world as a whole," opines Kanky.
We nod, and look back at the screen.
As if in a dream, the Dark Lord looks up, as something stirs his thoughts, almost like a shallow summer breeze playing across a sun drenched field of ripened corn
"Do you hear that?"
Mr Cuddles pauses for a second, and sniffs the air, his eyes focused on a point somewhere to the left of infinity, but unobserved because of his shades
"Well yes...I do...it sounds like..."
"A voice?"
"Yes, definitely a voice...but it s not here...it's ", Mr C struggles to find the right words."
"From somewhere else?", offers the Dark Lord trying to be helpful.
"Well...the voices always come from somewhere else, don't they?", shrugs Mr C finishing his drink.
"The...Voices?"
"Well yes...I always hear the voices...don't you?"
The Dark Lord, drinks hard and long, before the straw falls from his lips, and the scales from his eyes "Oh wonderful...just what I need...a sociopathic cat..." he wonders for a moment. "Hmm, wonder where that thought came from...I would usually have said psychotic ."
And then he turns, to the ethereal camera, and grins, a knowing grin...
"He knows we can see him!"
"He can hear us!"
"Let's send him a message!"
"What shall we say?"
"Let's try not to make it something trivial! This has to be a meaningful message if it's going through all the ethers and stuff!"
The excitement is palpable once we realise that F*ck may have actually invented a communication device. A functional communication device! We may be able to talk with Morningstar despite the fact that he's banned and in exile! Oh happy day, calloo callay!
The K's, F*ck and I do the Conga Happy Dance with Feathers and Balloons and a side order of confetti.
Then we have a snack while we decide on something profound to say.
As Kinky wipes his face, he looks at me with deep sincerity and says, "So, have you come up with anything we can send as a message?"
"Why do I have to be the one to do it?"
"Well, knowing us..." and he gathers in the other K's with his glance, "we might ask him something foolish and he doesn't suffer fools gladly, as you know."
The K's nod solemnly and take a swig from their tinnies.
"Give me an example, " I say glumly, not liking to take on the responsibility of devising such an important communique.
"I'd ask him if he was wearing shoes," says Kenky.
"I'd ask him if he likes the food there, "says Kanky.
"I'd ask him..."
I cut off Kinky to whine, "I see that it's up to me! Well, then....let me think."
Time passes like the last half hour of a school day in June.
"After much deliberation, I've decide that I'll ask him a very, very, very important question!"
"Are you ready?" asks F*ck.
"I'm ready, hook me up to the mic, F*ck!"
"Erm, well...ok, but don't comment on it, ok? I had to make do."
F*ck walks over to me and wraps a bent hanger around my neck with a metal funnel that fits under my mouth.
"This?"
"Yes, please just try it."
I clear my throat, and say, "Morningstar, calling Morningstar. I have a question for you if you can hear me. The question is...."
"Cut. Cut, "shouts F*ck, "I made a mistake. Hold on."
He races over to me and removes the hanger/funnel thingy, and replaces it with a tiny microphone, then grins, "This is the mic. I don't know how I mixed it up with the power source!"
I get settled and try again, "Morningstar, calling Morningstar. I have a question for you if you can hear me. The question is...."
The K's lean forward expectantly.
"Why are you in the Maldives?"
The K's lean back and sigh.
"That's it?" says Kinky.
"It's a start," I shrug, "Now we wait for his reply!
The breeze comes in from the ocean, feeling like a cool sheet on a hot night in August
Mr Cuddles cocks his head almost whimsically, and listens.
Almost afraid to ask, the Prince of Darkness turns to the little kitten
"The...voices?"
"Yes...but not one I've ever heard before, this one sounds almost musical...and like a human female and, there are other smaller voices around her ."
The Dark Lord smiles.
His feline companion continues "Oh...first time this has ever happened!"
"What's up?"
"Well, apparently..."
"Yes?"
"Well...it s for you!"
"Me?"
"Most assuredly, someone by the name of Emil?!?!? "
"Emil?...you sure about that?, I don't recall knowing an Emil!"
"Hold..let me make certain...oh yes, definitely for you, in fact she says, and I quote here you understand, so please don t take this personally...
"Morningstar stop being a f*cking *sshole, and speak to me! Why are you in the Maldives?"
Laughing out loud, the Dark Lord waves his hand, and an image appears before him, of one very familiar group of friends
"So Emil...sorry, ML, guys...how's it going?"
"Why are you in the Maldives?""
"Well three reasons really...firstly, isn't this place just Heavenly? Secondly, and, (said in his best Michael Caine voice) Not a lot of people know this but the islands here are not just known by one name, they each have many noms de plume and identities, and I don t know why...but for some reason, there was something about that which just seemed so appropriate..."
Somewhere across the ether, a stifled groan is heard as MyLove holds her head in her hands
"What was the third reason, Morningstar?...I so dread to ask."
"Well MyLove, I just thought it'd be an ideal place to sit back, relax, soak up some rays...and ..."
"And what?...WHAT?"
"Well...watch the End of the World!"
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